Gossip

Photographs courtesy of AP/EPA/AFP

CURSE ON YOU

Battling Britney Spears for the title of Gossip Page Goddess, surly songstress Jennifer Lopez is yet again making headlines for all the wrong reasons. It seems the surprisingly untalented star has taken to black magic as a means of punishing those who�ve wronged her, so says Lopez�s former make-up artist. According to website Pagesix.Com, the make-up artist is ready to tell all about Lopez�s relationship with �mystic healer� Merle Gonzalez. �He knows everything,� a source said of the make-up artist. �He knows all about Jennifer and her faith healer. After Ben Affleck left Jennifer, Merle went in to expel bad auras and cleanse her house. Merle also blessed the Shall We Dance set, and some people say Jennifer has had Merle put hexes on people she feels have done her wrong.� Perhaps Jenny should consider a hex on the person managing her out-of-control career.

3-D DIET

Former Hollywood hunk and current old guy dating a woman half his age in a futile attempt at retaining his long-lost youth Harrison Ford is facing a weight problem. It seems Ford is ready to sign on to star in James Cameron�s new 3-D science fiction epic � but only if he can shed a few pounds. The World Entertainment News Network reports that Ford is scared that the 3-D film will make him look fat. According to sources, a technical expert warned him, �If the normal camera adds 10 pounds, think how a 3-D camera can blob you up.� It seems Ford could learn a thing or two about rapid weight loss from his current girlfriend, actress and notorious binge-and-purge eater Calista Flockhart.

THOSE WACKO JACKOS

Super-strange and surgically altered siblings Michael and Janet Jackson have reportedly teamed up to record a new duet. According to website The Scoop, the song, titled �We�ve Had Enough,� is an attack on the media for the coverage of Michael�s latest round of alleged kiddy fiddling and Janet�s tendency to bare her breasts to the entire world. Music lovers around the world are in talks to produce a counter ballad titled �We�re Tired of You and Your Music Has Sucked for 20 Years Now.�

KIRSTEN�S CONFUSION

One day he�s the love of her life, the next he�s just another notch on the bedpost � so goes the rocky breakup of actress Kirsten Dunst and actor Jake Gyllenhaal. First the World Entertainment News Network reports that Kirsten hopes that one day the two will get back together when they are older and wiser. �What makes it so complicated is that I don�t think this is the end of the story,� Kirsten said. �Jake was the love of my life � he was, is and always will be.� Of course later that week, Kirsten was seen getting hot and heavy with Pearl Harbor star Josh Hartnett in a Los Angeles nightclub. Spywitnesses report, �They were necking, it was very hot. He was whispering in her ear and kissing her neck most of the night.� Maybe her was telling her to make up her mind already?

BRITNEY BALLOONS

And it wouldn�t be a Student Weekly gossip page without at least one more Britney Spears mention. It seems that while the hooch-swilling star loves to show it all on stage, she can�t handle sharing spa time with others. According to website Pagesix.Com, B.Sp (kinda like J.Lo) needed privacy before a workout at a plush New York hotel recently, so the hotel tossed out everyone else in the club. �They rousted us out of the place,� one hotel guest reported. �And she wasn�t even staying there.� It seems the portly pop princess has been packing on the pounds ever since she started dating hubby-to-be Kevin Federline, who according to B.Sp is quite the trailer-park chef. B.Sp explained, �He can cook anything � macaroni and cheese, fried chicken.� Wow! A real five-star man you�ve got there.

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Vocabulary

surly (adj): bad-tempered and rude
aura (n):  a feeling or particular quality that is very noticeable and seems to surround a person or place
hex (n):  a word or phrase that has a magic power to make something bad happen
futile (adj): having no purpose because there is no chance of success
purge (v): to vomit
prance (v): to move quickly with exaggerated steps so that people will look at you
hooch (n): strong alcoholic drink, especially something that has been made illegally